The experiences you share in your relationship will serve as the foundation for your marriage, and they can keep you connected and strong in the spaces where you don’t have things in common—or when life throws funny balls.
After the excitement and magic of deciding to get married dies down a little, there’s important logistical stuff to address about the relationship. Some of this stuff is not as much fun to talk about as romance and wedding planning. It can be boring, unpleasant, overwhelming, or scary, and it brings up differences and conflict. You might be wondering, how does one even begin to think about these questions? There’s a lot out there on Everything You Should Discuss Before Getting Married, but there isn’t usually information on how to do this. So, here’s my take on two major areas to begin talking about before marriage. Keep in mind that you can, and will, continue to have these conversations after marriage, and that the conversations may change as your relationship continues to evolve.
WHAT TO TALK ABOUT
1. FINANCES AND LEGAL ISSUES
Finances are an incredibly important topic. They influence marriage on a daily basis, as well as in more long-term ways. For many couples, marriage can be a financial benefit and an exciting opportunity. ( taxes, for one thing.) But money is also hard to talk about. Many people grow up in families in which money is not openly discussed. Partners can also come from different socioeconomic backgrounds, or have different values about how money should be saved, spent, or shared. Partners usually make different amounts of money. For some couples, the difference is larger than for others. Partners also have different amounts of assets and debt. For all of these reasons, money can be a complicated topic. But it can also be an exciting topic, and one that helps propel future planning. you won't just jump into the conclusion of getting married without checking the following, on budgeting ,number of kids and business. And consider these questions:
What is important to each of you to spend money on? What kind of lifestyle do you want to cultivate?How did your families address money?How do you feel about combining finances? Combining some finances, but keeping other accounts separate? Keeping everything separate?How do you think about and plan to save money?
Legal issues are another important topic. To start with a basic one, do you and/or your partner plan to change any part of your name after marriage? We live in an age in which many of us have choices in this—but choices can also be overwhelming.
2. FAMILY, RELATIONSHIPS, AND SEX
Family can be a happy and exciting topic for some people, and a more difficult one for others. Our experiences with our families influence how we interact with our partners and how we think about creating a new family, and those experiences are not always easy. There will be aspects of our past experiences that we want to re-create, as well as things that we want to do very differently. We may have different images of the role of extended or immediate family in our marriage. While we’ll undoubtedly agree on some things with our partners, and disagree on others—and this discussion may shift as life circumstances (having children, having more or less money, living in a different place) shift. For all of these reasons, the topic of family may change the most as you continue to develop your relationship and build your family—and that’s totally okay.
And then there is sex. Partners may have different ideas and expectations about how sex factors into marriage, and they may come from different sexual experiences, some positive, some negative. With changing lives, bodies, libidos, and circumstances, sex is another conversation that may shift in different ways over time.
Consider these questions in thinking about family, relationships, and sex:
How do you and your partner define and think about family? What kind of family will your marriage create, and how will it impact your existing families?Which relationships are important to you and your partner in your lives, and how will they interact with your marriage? Are children, parents, siblings, extended family, or family of choice important to you? Do you have previous marriages or children?What is important to you in a sexual relationship? How do you feel about monogamy? What do you define as infidelity?
The experiences you share in your relationship will serve as the foundation for your marriage, and they can keep you connected and strong in the spaces where you don’t have things in common—or when life throws funny balls.
After the excitement and magic of deciding to get married dies down a little, there’s important logistical stuff to address about the relationship. Some of this stuff is not as much fun to talk about as romance and wedding planning. It can be boring, unpleasant, overwhelming, or scary, and it brings up differences and conflict. You might be wondering, how does one even begin to think about these questions? There’s a lot out there on Everything You Should Discuss Before Getting Married, but there isn’t usually information on how to do this. So, here’s my take on two major areas to begin talking about before marriage. Keep in mind that you can, and will, continue to have these conversations after marriage, and that the conversations may change as your relationship continues to evolve.
WHAT TO TALK ABOUT
1. FINANCES AND LEGAL ISSUES
Finances are an incredibly important topic. They influence marriage on a daily basis, as well as in more long-term ways. For many couples, marriage can be a financial benefit and an exciting opportunity. ( taxes, for one thing.) But money is also hard to talk about. Many people grow up in families in which money is not openly discussed. Partners can also come from different socioeconomic backgrounds, or have different values about how money should be saved, spent, or shared. Partners usually make different amounts of money. For some couples, the difference is larger than for others. Partners also have different amounts of assets and debt. For all of these reasons, money can be a complicated topic. But it can also be an exciting topic, and one that helps propel future planning. you won't just jump into the conclusion of getting married without checking the following, on budgeting ,number of kids and business. And consider these questions:
What is important to each of you to spend money on? What kind of lifestyle do you want to cultivate?How did your families address money?How do you feel about combining finances? Combining some finances, but keeping other accounts separate? Keeping everything separate?How do you think about and plan to save money?
Legal issues are another important topic. To start with a basic one, do you and/or your partner plan to change any part of your name after marriage? We live in an age in which many of us have choices in this—but choices can also be overwhelming.
2. FAMILY, RELATIONSHIPS, AND SEX
Family can be a happy and exciting topic for some people, and a more difficult one for others. Our experiences with our families influence how we interact with our partners and how we think about creating a new family, and those experiences are not always easy. There will be aspects of our past experiences that we want to re-create, as well as things that we want to do very differently. We may have different images of the role of extended or immediate family in our marriage. While we’ll undoubtedly agree on some things with our partners, and disagree on others—and this discussion may shift as life circumstances (having children, having more or less money, living in a different place) shift. For all of these reasons, the topic of family may change the most as you continue to develop your relationship and build your family—and that’s totally okay.
And then there is sex. Partners may have different ideas and expectations about how sex factors into marriage, and they may come from different sexual experiences, some positive, some negative. With changing lives, bodies, libidos, and circumstances, sex is another conversation that may shift in different ways over time.
Consider these questions in thinking about family, relationships, and sex:
How do you and your partner define and think about family? What kind of family will your marriage create, and how will it impact your existing families?Which relationships are important to you and your partner in your lives, and how will they interact with your marriage? Are children, parents, siblings, extended family, or family of choice important to you? Do you have previous marriages or children?What is important to you in a sexual relationship? How do you feel about monogamy? What do you define as infidelity?
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